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By Christian Ortiz
In April, my partner Crystal was researching and educating about stillbirth when she came across a non-profit organization called Push for Empowered Pregnancy. Crystal had never heard of a “stillbirth” until our daughter, Valentina, was born on December 8, 2021 in a perfect stillbirth.
I thought it was a rare act of God that you never wanted to join. Rather, up to 50% are the result of poor prenatal care.
And the same thing happened to us. At 37 weeks we were told we had a healthy baby boy ready for delivery around Christmas; it was not. Not only was he a newborn, but he looked sick, stunted, and suffering on the way to death.
The doctor recorded the cause of death as “strangulation of the umbilical cord”. It was believable to my untrained eye. I couldn’t reconcile her weight disparity with the American College of Obstetricians’ guidelines for a full-term baby.
When Valentina was born, she was eight weeks behind schedule. Something has changed in the third trimester, the last stage of waiting, which is publicized here: if the pregnancy is so far, then it has flown smoothly to childbirth. That was not the case.
Based on her weight and what the doctor said, she weighed 8 pounds at some point in utero and I suspect she lost 4-5 pounds after her death. Because the hospital refused to conduct an independent review of Crystal’s medical records, I ordered an independent review.
All the reports we got from the pathologist to the three obstetricians were the same. Valentina’s death was preventable, if diagnosed and treated, she would have been here with me, alive and thriving.
One of the most profound lessons I learned from the October 15th Stop the Stillbirth March was that children are never forgotten and that parents manage their grief on a wide spectrum. There are parents out there who lost a child 5, 10, 15, even 40 years ago, now have families and other children, but are still actively and openly grieving their lost child.
I hear all kinds of comments from people trying to relate to my tragedy, encouraging me to keep going. “This too shall pass” gets under my skin.
Until I was introduced to the stillbirth parenting community, a club none of us wanted to be a part of, I would say no when someone asked me if I had children. Now I say: “Yes, I have a daughter, her name is Valentina,” and control the conversation from there.
Christian Ortiz is a Technology Account Development Manager at DeSales Media Group.
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