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Gossip is one of the most powerful weapons known to women.
It’s not the celebrity gossip we’re often thought to share, but the spread of information, rumors and speculation about the behavior of abusive men.
While gossip is often considered dangerous, the stories shared privately between women warning us to stay vigilant about dangerous men, is one of the greatest ways we can empower each other.
This week, in an interview with author Louis Theroux, comedian Katherine Ryan spoke about how she dealt with allegations against an unnamed person she believed to be a ‘sexual abuser’.
A person whose behavior is considered an ‘open secret’ in entertainment.
He said: ‘This is what we are talking about. That’s what female comedians and maybe actors and women in my industry talk about all the time because that’s the safest way for us to talk.’
When I read about the ‘mystery’ and ‘spoiler’ accusation he was referring to, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t surprised. It said ‘which one?’.
We can try to console ourselves into believing that the #MeToo movement was a bad chapter in our past. That society has learned its lesson, to move forward. But the immoral behavior of powerful men, in the entertainment industry and in society at large, continues.
The same mechanisms that protect strong men from responding endure.
Money buys silence. Not by paying the victim in compensation for his discretion, but by threatening legal action if people make the allegations public.
Katherine Ryan did not call the man, but she was criticized for not doing so.
Common men on Twitter had their own predictable field day, thinking that Ryan was hungry, seeking attention and not publicly identifying the person he was accused of was an act of cowardice.
It was far from cowardly. It was a wise, insightful, compassionate and impactful move.
Ryan revealed that he knows the man through business and once appeared with him on a TV show. He confronted her, in front of others, during the recording of the episode. He told him – to his face – that he was a ‘scoundrel’.
The exchange was not preserved in the episode.
It was an extremely courageous move. As Ryan himself admitted to Theroux, ‘We have seen what happens to people who talk about the accused’, that a person can ‘disappear in silence’ if he ‘accuses many men of sexual assault and is called a trouble maker’.
I have seen the ‘quiet disappearance’ phenomenon happen myself. The business entities make the woman feel heard, that her complaint is taken into account, but it is handled with minimal care – to cover any legal implications that may exist – all the while leaving a little bit of a livelihood.
He is not fired – that would be bad optics and very dangerous; if he’s already out of a job, he has nothing to lose and can be more vocal, go public with his accusations. But you will lose out less on gigs, opportunities, recommendations and promotions.
Give him more power, and you may gain the confidence to speak. They should be kept right where they are. In his place.
That’s why many women turn to each other to share information: it’s the safest way for us to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We minimize the risks of our silent withdrawal, we warn other women of the potential danger and protect ourselves from legal repercussions, while offering support to women who have been directly abused, if they choose to come forward.
We make a list. I have seen many.
A list of men to watch out for, a list of ‘open secret’ beasts in our businesses.
And women are not the only victims of abuse.
Gossip is our strength. It lets us know if there are other victims out there who can add their voices to ours, if we need them. It is in the serial nature of the attacker to keep their victims isolated, isolated, but ‘gossip’ is what unites us.
We don’t need to act on it. We don’t have to believe it. But it is there, when a problem arises.
The rate of charges for sexual offenses in the UK is worse, the conviction rate is worse, according to Rape Crisis. And there’s a lot of behavior that child sex abusers do that wouldn’t be classified as a crime.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people – mostly men – jump to criticize a woman who chooses not to publicly name a victim. If we could do it without risking our lives and savings, we would.
Women share these allegations anonymously to entice or gain fame or attention from the general public. We want to let other victims know that they are not alone so they can come together if they want to.
We do that because it’s always our only legitimate option, and because – unless it happens directly to us – it’s not our story to tell.
But most of all, we do it because we want to send a message to the man who recognizes himself in our stories. We want him to know that he is being watched.
And it’s just a matter of time…
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your thoughts in the comments below.
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